The 1500 Things Uji is No Longer Allowed to Do at Valor

This list originated at Valor in 2012 or 2013, representing primarily the efforts of myself and Lord Cuadhri. Many others contributed as well. This list was what caused an attendee at Valor to say “Wait, Uji is real? I thought they made you up.”

This list has been edited to remove some jokes which appeared on the original list but which I had wanted to remove for a while.

Despite editing ones which were, in retrospect, more mean than funny, this list still contains bad language and sexual references.

  1. No longer allowed to kidnap officers or their spouses to drive to other kingdom’s events.
  2. Not allowed to commandeer aircraft for any reason.
  3. Not allowed to call non-Spanish personae by Spanish names.
  4. Not allowed to call Spanish personae by Scottish names.
  5. Not allowed to create any new accents.
  6. Not allowed to say that anyone cries anything.
  7. Not allowed to incite any form of holy war.
  8. Uji is not allowed to determine other people’s allergies.
  9. Uji is not allowed to create more than 75% of a day’s heralds announcements, whether he is reading them or not.
  10. Even if I can document it, not allowed to “mount the curb.”
  11. Ruining another’s experience is neither an art nor a science.
  12. Calontir Steel has percussive blows not percussion caps.
  13. Not allowed to spend more than 10% of the event’s budget on leiderhosen.
  14. Not allowed to declare myself ambassador from any Kingdom, especially those I’ve just invented.
  15. Not allowed to modify anyone’s precedence for funsies.
  16. I have been told “heavy” describes the combat not the combatants, and also…glass houses, dude.
  17. In addition to Rule 11, I am not allowed to determine when ruining another’s experience is a service.
  18. If I beg a boon, it had damn well not be for soda money.
  19. Not allowed to invent peerage orders for any reason.
  20. Not allowed to unilaterally declare war on any Kingdom.
  21. Even if it is to be decided by a “rock off”.
  22. Even if it is Aethelmarc.
  23. Especially if it is Ansteorra, even though they know what they did.
  24. Cannot convince newcomers that if they die on the field, they have to come back from a culture that believes in reincarnation.
  25. My milkshake does not bring all the Knights to the yard, nor is it FDA approved.
  26. “Here must we hold” is not to be used at every lull in conversation.
  27. Not allowed to declare any person any of the following: Baron, King, God, Saint, Krishna, Buddha, Lama, Avatar, or Dragon Reborn.
  28. “Here must we hold” is geographical, not anatomical.
  29. Especially on my anatomy.
  30. Doubly especially on anyone else’s.
  31. Triply especially on Her Majesty.
  32. “Should have gone to Battlemoor” is never an appropriate battle cry.
  33. Or camp cry.
  34. I am not allowed to paraphrase any Kingdom’s legends.
  35. Not allowed to spend any percentage of the event budget for any reason.
  36. This list does not take precedence over troll, court, or the showers.
  37. Just because I’m a lawyer doesn’t mean I can make objections during court.
  38. I must be wearing some form of top and pants at all times, and they must be in their proper configuration.
  39. Chicken wine is neither to be threatened nor weaponized.
  40. Humming the “Mortal Kombat” theme during the tournament is not allowed.
  41. Nor is calling for fatalities.
  42. A one-shot round is not a “flawless victory.”
  43. “Tiny Dancer” is never appropriate entrance music.
  44. Writing things for them to say does not mean I can make the Heralds cry.
  45. My “Santamaria” privileges have been revoked.
  46. “de la Douchebag” is no one’s surname.
  47. Tijuana is not period, and this is a good thing.
  48. Not allowed to encourage fighters to aim for any of the following: Spleen, moustache, duodenum, or rectum.
  49. Not allowed to offer moustache rides from the Baron without the Baroness’ express written permission, notarized.
  50. May not rebroadcast any part of the tournament without express written permission of Major League Football.
  51. May not ask for anyone’s express written permission.  Or claim to be a notary unless I actually am one.
  52. Siege weaponry is not for transportation use.
  53. The word is disseminate, and I had damn well better learn that.
  54. Not allowed to commandeer unattended children for any reason, no matter how hilarious.
  55. Sir Mix-A-Lot does not hold SCA rank or precedence.
  56. Not allowed to create an entire persona based on how funny it would be to be able to place “Sir” in front of it.
  57. “Here must we hold” does not mean you must stay there all war.
  58. Not allowed to compare the Baroness to any meteorological phenomena.
  59. My persona may not have any two of the following descriptors: Tone deaf, Slavic, musician.
  60. Throwing up the horns may only be done in certain areas; court is not one of them.
  61. I may participate in but not incite any form of Vatavian civil war.
  62. Personal space is not “for other people.”
  63. Wait no…personal space is for other people, and I will respect it.
  64. Though common, a shaven head and goatee is not the “official Vatavian haircut”, and I am not authorized to enforce it or inflict it.
  65. Nor can I convince newcomers it is an authorization requirement.
  66. My motto is not “Aiming for blasphemy but ending with treason.”
  67. My bardic diplomatic immunity has been revoked.
  68. I may not change any group’s status.
  69. Not allowed to administer ad hoc licensure examinations on any subject to anyone, especially orally.
  70. On second thought, I am not allowed to administer anything orally to anyone.
  71. I may not apply the adjective ‘incipient’ to anyone’s title, rank, marriage, genus, or species.
  72. Ditto for ‘proto.”
  73. My last words on the field or in a court may not be ‘Hastur, Hastur, Hastur.’
  74. Valillies is never going to be an event, and I need to stop trying.
  75. Beer money is not a good boon either.
  76. Though I have the legal knowledge, not allowed to alter waivers on the fly.
  77. I am not allowed to take the DeLorean up to 88 MPH.
  78. I may not claim a fighter killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.
  79. I do not put the fun in fundoshi.
  80. It is not easier for me to ask forgiveness than permission.
  81. I may not create new fetishes.
  82. I am not allowed to do wheelies in any vehicle.  Especially wheeled ones.
  83. I may not make any shouts in the Dragon language of Skyrim.
  84. I do not have permission to buzz any towers.
  85. There is an upper limit to the number of defenestrations I can claim are accidental.
  86. May not draw up plans for a toll booth on the part of the Lillies War road Vatavia owns.
  87. While Budweiser is the “King of Beers,” the keg does not share precedence with His Majesty.
  88. Not allowed to declare more than 2 Jewhads per valor.
  89. “I’ve got 99 problems but a horse ain’t one,” is not an appropriate description of the equestrian waiver.
  90. I am not allowed to form death panels.
  91. Just because they’ve signed the equestrian waiver doesn’t mean I can hit them with a horse.
  92. I am not allowed to recreate Thermopylae in the main hall.
  93. And the men’s restroom may not be referred to as “the Hot Gates.”
  94. Not allowed to walk like an Egyptian.
  95. Not allowed to enter the Bardic Competition with any instrument I have never played before, including but not limited to: Ukulele, mandolin, vuvuzela, or bagpipes.
  96. Not allowed to borrow the Baron’s bagpipes just so I can say I’ve played them before.
  97. I am not authorized to enforce a curfew or perform bad checks.
  98. No matter how much we respect his 2 AM dedication, may not “help” the farmer via a fertility sacrifice in his fields.
  99. Especially an Aztec sacrifice.
  100. May not apply the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle to troll figures, even if the shift ends at 2 AM.
  101. May not crack 100 things.
  102. Shit.
  103. May not tattoo “Song of the Shieldwall” in runes on people who pass out in public.
  104. May not tattoo “Song of the Shieldwall” in runes on myself with the intent to display it.  Ever.
  105. I may not tattoo anything on anyone, even with permission.
  106. The Vatavian roll of arms is not a dartboard, no matter what clever scoring system I invent.
  107. I will not cross the schemes.
  108. There is no swimsuit component of the Tournament of Valor, and I am forbidden from convincing Sir Uldyn there is.
  109. “It’s not even breathing hard” is not an appropriate response to “Winter is Coming.”
  110. Not allowed to invite out of towners to visit the Westboro Baptist Church on their way back home.  No matter who I am trolling, no one wins at Westboro chicken.
  111. If I am going to describe something as an “Angry horde,” I need very precise enunciation.
  112. Heralds are not permitted to take any portion of the inner ear hostage.
  113. I will not attempt to lead the equestrians in the hokey pokey.
  114. That fighter suffered a herniated disc, not a “ballsplosion,” whatever that is.
  115. Not allowed to supervise anyone.
  116. If I find myself as the only responsible adult, I must immediately find an actual responsible adult.
  117. Even if a dance starts with a jump to the left, I am not allowed to add a pelvic thrust to drive anyone “insay-ay-ay-ayane.”
  118. As far as I am concerned, the following do not count as “any medium” for A&S: Interpretive dance, smoke signals, flatulence.
  119. I am not allowed to do the helicopter for any reason.
  120. I am not allowed to represent a horse in court, whether SCA or otherwise.
  121. If I’m going to use the excuse “The Baron said I could,” I should actually ask him once in a while.
  122. Not allowed to dress children in concentric circles and tell them to run at the archers.
  123. Thrown weapons does not include their Majesty’s chairs.  That’s –one now –own.
  124. If I am in an archer’s duel, I shall not choose “Truck.”
  125. Even if he has not registered one, “Bingo” is not his name-o.
  126. Nor is “Winky McPeeps”
  127. A “bard-douche” is not a real pole weapon, nor is it an appropriate punishment for singing off key.
  128. Even if objectively or evidentiarily true, “that’s what she said” is not to be deployed during court.
  129. Just because Hal has gone away aboard a man o’ war doesn’t mean I have salvage rights on his stuff.
  130. I am neither the fence, powder monkey, or ballast aboard the man of war.
  131. I will not start the rumor that the Baroness disapproves of Otter’s ‘Hot Sausage’.
  132. Bangers and mash means what I know it means, not what I want to imply it means.
  133. Not allowed to invent gang signs.  Especially during court.
  134. I cannot announce that the Valor archery shoot is an atlatl battle unless it actually is.
  135. Not allowed to actually crush anyone’s skull.
  136. I must not confuse baklava and balaclavas again.
  137. Not allowed to do a dubstep remix of any Calontir classic song.
  138. Calontir carmel dansen is never going to be a thing.
  139. Not allowed to introduce the belt and boots victory lap to Vatavia.  The rest of the Kingdom can look out for its own damn self.
  140. No part of this camp is to be referred to as “The happy trail.”  Nor is any person in it.
  141. There is no such thing as pants optional court.
  142. I am not allowed to “pull a Kanye.”
  143. I am not allowed to educate the Baron.
  144. I will not say I have a piece of paper proving that I’m not crazy.
  145. I will not listen to the ap Deweys.
  146. Vehicular manslaughter is not a valid tournament style.
  147. Neither is slap fight.
  148. I am not allowed to make a Jonathan Coulton themed processional without permission.
  149. I may not arbitrarily re-write tournament lengths.
  150. I am not allowed to make court “more metal”.
  151. “By the hair of my chinny chin chin” is not an appropriate oath of fealty.
  152. Singing “Benevento” does not put you on the no-fly list, and I am not allowed to convince any more newcomers it does.
  153. “In space no one can hear you scream, in Kansas no one cares” is not the Baronial motto.
  154. It’s the Falcon Throne, not the Skull Throne, unless I am offering mine as the first.
  155. Falcons for the Falcon throne makes no sense.
  156. I am not allowed to second anyone’s motion, boon, or seppuku.
  157. I will not use a medical journal as a thesaurus.
  158. I am not allowed to sing any testicle related song during the ball.
  159. “16 Knights” is the name of the song, not its duration.
  160. Even with the Royal dispensation, there is a limit to how much fun we can have,
  161. “There’s an app for that,” does not refer to our Welsh members.
  162. No matter what costumes I buy, I am not the blue lion of Percy, and I may not recreate Hotspur in the kitchens.
  163. I may, under no circumstances, turn the Valor Ball into a ballroom blitz.
  164. I may neither claim to be 1000 years old nor to have met anyone from any Shakespeare play.
  165. Not allowed to encourage anyone to “gun it.”
  166. I am not allowed to imply that flirting with me is the only reason foreign royals come to Valor.
  167. Not allowed to coerce anyone in to snorting anything.  Again.
  168. If it is over ninety degrees, I may not comment on the heat.
  169. I am not allowed to use any Yokozuna as kettle drums.
  170. Or any kind of percussion instrument.
  171. I am not a legend in my own mind.
  172. The official Baronial vuvuzela is to be used with the Baroness’ permission only.
  173. And only with the originally intended orifices.
  174. An airhorn is not an appropriate replacement for “Oyez”
  175. After that one time, I may not perform lap-dances at head table.
  176. Not allowed to do morning announcements by joining people in bed and shouting “How’s it going?”
  177. A kilt, particularly regimental, is not appropriate for pole vaulting.
  178. Even if Koribushka is being played, I may not use the parking lot for Tetris.
  179. No level of coronet may be used as a Frisbee.
  180. I may not sparkle party, German or otherwise.
  181. I may not commander a water truck to turn the sumo ring into a mud pit.
  182. Especially during the Men’s round.
  183. “Game of Thrones” notwithstanding, weapons do not make appropriate furniture.  The Rattan Throne is not a thing.
  184. I may not flip anyone of Royal rank.
  185. I may not flip them off, either.
  186. In addition to Rule 26, I may not bestow ecclesiastical rank above that of priest.
  187. I may not invoke the Scout Law.
  188. I cannot pretend I don’t exist.
  189. I may not refer to any seated noble as “Zod” and force others to kneel before them.
  190. Triple peers are to be respected for their accomplishments, not referred to as showoffs.
  191. In addition to rule 186, “Lady Pope” isn’t documentable.
  192. “And for all the other shit they do” has never appeared in any Calontir scroll to date.
  193. No matter how handy it is, using an iPad to read scrolls from ruins the effect.
  194. Especially if it is playing “The Final Countdown”
  195. And while stirring, the “Rocky” theme is not ok for processionals.
  196. No matter what the mall is doing, it’s September.  No Christmas songs.
  197. Especially because I’m Jewish.
  198. Being hit in the cup does not automatically change your religion.
  199. I may not announce any personal changes to any landed noble unless they have actually occurred, including but not limited to: Marital status, religion, or continued existence.
  200. A boggle set is not appropriate for determining post-nominal letters.
  201. In case I haven’t figured it out by now “because it’s funny” is not a universal excuse.
  202. QUIT FIGHT RIGHT!
  203. The term is ‘angina’, and I must get that right at least 80% of the time.
  204. I’m not allowed to say “The King said I could” unless the King actually did, and said King is neither fictional not deceased.
  205. I may not choreograph head table as Da Vinci’s “Last Supper” without permission from every person sitting there.
  206. I am to stop inserting fake names into Calontir’s royal lineage.  Especially with current royalty from other Kingdoms.
  207. No one will believe Minamoto Yomama, Sprechen C. Deutschebag, or Felipe Enormowang were real Kings of Calontir anyway.
  208. While it worked for Joyce, stream of consciousness is not appropriate for court heraldry.
  209. Or field heraldry, camp cries, or tavern orders.
  210. It is the Third Reich, and the Fifth Column, and I need to keep them straight for anyone to understand my smack talk.
  211. I am not allowed to tell any more newcomers that Dukes wear marijuana leaves on their coronets.
  212. There are no weight classes in SCA heavy fighting, and I need to stop inventing them.
  213. I may not use zoological journals as a thesaurus anymore.  Nor try to define anyone’s Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, or Species.
  214. There are in fact topics too heated for open discussion, or inclusion on this list.
  215. I am not to encourage fighters to hit each other “until one of their heads pops off.”  They are not Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots.
  216. I am neither personally responsible nor capable of “bringing sexy back.”
  217. Appendix 2 is a lie.
  218. I am not allowed to hang vacancy signs from their Excellencies’ chairs.
  219. Just because something is true does not mean I have to say it.
  220. At the top of my lungs.
  221. Repeatedly.
  222. In court.
  223. Naked.
  224. As far as I am concerned, cattle prods are never the answer.
  225. The society is tax exempt, I am not.
  226. “Molotov cocktails” will never be valid thrown weapons
  227. Just because my troll shift is still going at 2 AM is not cause to start loudly singing “Day-O.”
  228. I may not refer to my mundane name as nom du sad.
  229. Even though I am Jewish, I may not ask Egyptian personae for reparations.  Again.
  230. There is no form of safe sex referred to as “The Steel-Shod Dance.”
  231. If my persona’s name takes up more than two lines of standard sized paper, I can’t have it.
  232. When the herald says “All rise”, it must not be on my hands.
  233. The hospital may have A/C, but that is not an excuse to hurt myself.
  234. Or others.
  235. Scottish paratroopers violate corpora.
  236. The lands that burn are a metaphor, and I should “put the fucking kerosene away.”
  237. I am not allowed to suggest anyone put out for caffeine.
  238. I am not allowed to utter the phrase “pants off dance off.”
  239. I may not invent more than 4 new euphemisms for genitalia per Valor.
  240. Being double parked in is not adequate provocation to go to war with France.
  241. My ancestors did not pull chariots, and I may not imply I am hung like those who did.
  242. Mischief managed is not an appropriate ending to court.
  243. Neither “S.T.D.” nor “B.A.M.F.” are approved post-nominals.
  244. I am not allowed to distribute matches.  Especially metaphorical ones.
  245. I may not replace the Baron’s sunscreen with mayonnaise.  Of any brand.
  246. I will not actively court banishment.
  247. Gongs are a privilege, not a right.
  248. The song of the Shieldwall is not “I Get Knocked Down” by Chumbawumba.
  249. I will not mention the forbidden 11th Company.
  250. The penis is not mightier than the sword.
  251. No longer allowed to dance the Hokey Pokey in the Doyo.
  252. May not inveigle the King into a sumo match.
  253. Just because I have a breeding pair of elephants from Mongol Mike’s doesn’t mean I can sell Elephant futures.
  254. I may not invent new hairstyles.
  255. Especially the “Zoe-hawk.”
  256. Even if it is objectively true, I may not advertise myself as “The most fun you can have in court while sober and clothed.”
  257. Especially on business cards.
  258. I may not spread the rumor that Baroness Zoe only loves Baron Donald for his “fancy polish pickle.”
  259. I am neither an M.D. nor a 7th Day Adventist, so I may not proscribe graham crackers for any illness.
  260. If it must be cleaned up with a mop and bucket, I cannot do it during court.
  261. I will not take any ruling noble or Monarch’s scepter and replace it with a “flesh light.”
  262. I am not on a mission from BoD.
This entry was posted in SCA.

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